(GMT+8, Philippine Time)

I will now rant about how incredibly monotonous this year's Christmas is. Aside from the fact that there has been great tension in the family, one of my sisters is also scheduled to leave for Utah tomorrow, that means she's not here right now. So we're two family members short, the other one being my deceased father.

It's exactly an hour before Christmas. Mother is asleep. Brother is at his girlfriend's house, probably having the time of his life with the karaoke machine. Eldest Sister in the other room with her Multiply account open. And Youngest Sister just arrived from somewhere, is now turning on the TV and settling on the reclining chair in front of me. Everybody is so relaxed that it's starting to annoy me.

A few years ago, Christmas meant family time over good food and visit to the relatives and carols. WTF happened to that Christmas? It's an hour before Christmas and I'm on the couch blogging about the hour before Christmas. WTF happened?

This is the perfect exemplification of change. People grow up. People leave. People die. We try to bring back the past but it, ultimately, becomes useless to relive things. Because people don't grow young. Because it takes time for people to come back. Because people don't come back from the dead. Things just simply change.

No, Christmas is certainly not in the air. The neighbor must have sucked all the excitement from my Christmas air earlier.

It's 30 minutes before Christmas. I hear the rumble of fireworks outside. I'm sitting beside a Christmas tree that would've looked nice if I was feeling nice. Haha. But it just looks like a giant branch right now. We're not even having a real noche buena (literally means 'good night' but translates to 'Christmas dinner' in Filipino), I'll probably gobble on a plate of spaghetti later. By myself.

There are Christmas presents. But they're not under the tree. I miss Christmas from 15 years ago, when I still believed in Santa Claus and we still had the innocence to hang socks by the window.

It's 15 minutes before Christmas. Brother probably won't be home by midnight. Eldest Sister is asking if we should have dinner now. Youngest Sister said she's still too stuffed.

It's midnight. The start of Christmas day. The father is dead. The mother is asleep. One sister is hundreds of kilometers away. The brother is drunk in somebody else's house. And the rest of us are bored. Christmas spirit has been dead for a long time.

So bite me if I'm ranting about Christmas. But I sincerely hope you're having a great one. Happy holidays to everyone. :)

BTW, it's never too late to buy me a Christmas present. And it would definitely cheer me up. Click here.

We write our own stories.
We control our own lives.
Nobody else is there to play the protagonist.
But a protagonist is not a protagonist without the plot.

I control my own life.
I can make things right again.

I can help them make things better.
I will help them.

I will never again assume that every thing is and will be alright. Not ever.
Life is always out to get you.

Conspiracies are for real.
They don't just happen in movies.

I am angry.
I have been betrayed.
I am disappointed.
I don't have the courage to be the villain in yours even if I want to.
I am sad.
I have lived almost my whole life believing I made the right decisions, I thought I did the right things.
I am hurt.
My trust has been violated.

But I won't give up believing in happy endings.

I control my own life

My story is going to end happy.

I will be happy. Someday.

And I will never be the same again.
None of us will ever be.

I want to hate. But I can't.
Don't let me hate. Please. I am begging.

I became a better person once.
I will become better again.
For everybody.
For myself.
For you.

This time I'm not going to lie and say I'm fine because I really am not. And I think I have had enough. I have had enough of lies.

My last update was made before I took a completion test. After that I was too depressed that any good attempt to write an entry just escaped me. In short, I pretty much failed the whole fcuking thing. No, it wasn't because I didn't study. I did. I read and understood all the review materials I was supposed to read and understand. But I still fcuking failed because the exam didn't include even half of what I forced myself to learn. I was prepared for the exam but I wasn't prepared for a Tumanan exam. (Tumanan would be my professor's last name.) I just got back from quite a long hiatus, from all the chains of academics. Seven months of ignoring text books. Seven months of dealing with life without the interruption of needing to read even a 500-word article about the trends in the food service industry. There was an item that required me to organize a menu and I handled it but to suggest fcuking wine accompaniments including the grape variety and vintage year?! I was told the exam would be difficult but nobody told me it was going to be out of this world! I took Beverage Mgt. two semesters ago! How the fcuk could I have remembered? I don't drink wine for breakfast!

It was difficult because I took that class months ago and only had to take the exam now. The exam was based on the current semester's discussions. And I failed to get a hold of any lecture notes. It shocked and threw me back to the world of UP {University of the Philippines} students. Back to where easy dreams are made difficult to grab. UP rocks at inventing all kinds of methods to induce anguish on poor students.

But THE UP PEP SQUAD ROCKED THE FREAKING ARANETA COLISEUM!!! Okay, okay. I wasn't there. We watched it on TV. But the performance was pure awesomeness! All the suspense and excitement and routines! And I loved the costume. Tribu, dude, tribu. They made a few mistakes but they were still not less from impeccable. Haha. I just feel really proud and good about my school. It was a great victory. Still #1! I just wish the basketball team did a better job themselves. I really don't carry any trace of interest in this UAAP {University Athletic Association of the Philippines} thing except in the cheerdance competition portion. And sure the Maroons are great in all the other sports but it's always almost as if there's only basketball in UAAP, as if it's the only thing that matters. Anyway, I should stop talking about this, the whole cyber Philippines is doing the same thing.

We did plan to watch the competition in Araneta but we didn't. Why? Let me tell you why...I just climbed a freaking volcano yesterday. And went inside its crater. Yes, dammit, yes. My whole body is currently undergoing extreme muscle development. My whole face is sunburnt, it feels tight and ready to peel.

When my sister asked me if I wanted to go mountain climbing, I didn't hesistate. The exam was already filling my head with all these thoughts of anger, I needed diversion. We left Manila at around 7 o'clock in the morning. Initially, there were 7 of us in the car. We met Kuya Al {eldest sister's boyfriend} in Calamba. Manay Cho and Spencer transferred into Kuya Al's car. Then, we headed to Tagaytay.


Left-Right: Louie (Ate Ana's Boyfriend), Ate Ana (cousin),
Spencer (Manay Cho's fiance), Manay Cho (sister),
Grace (cousin), Liza (cousin), Kuya Al (eldest sister's boyfriend)

( Read the rest of the entry... )


I conquered Taal Volcano!

We had dinner at Josephine's at around 8PM. Great ambiance but mediocre food for a very expensive price. But not a sad dining experience. I was so hungry, I didn't care if the food wasn't so great.

I spent the night at Grace's. Got back home at 6PM yesterday. Tried to update, wrote half of this entry then fell asleep.

Tips for your next mountain visit:

1) Eat a good meal a few hours before the climb;
2) Carry enough water;
3) Wear appropriate clothing;
4) Ready yourself physically;
5) As well as emotionally; and
6) Think twice before your do it.

I love nature so much that I went inside a volcanic crater for it. *sarcastic face* I won't be visiting one anytime soon.

More pictures here. (I've also uploaded the engagement pictures.)

And hello to all my new LJ friends! :D

I did say I was going to write more of the engagement party but I'm not really in the right mood to document with words. Which is really odd. I realized that whenever I'm here in Bicol, I lose the pursuit to write.

Anyway, as I've said, the engagement party was quite a success. Though the program was a little, erm, everywhere. I was one of the emcees but I didn't know the exact flow of the program. Because I had other things in mind like finishing the slide show on time. But it wasn't a very formal party. Therefore, I had the liberty to goof around.


Emcees in action!

There were a couple of guests that I didn't know personally. Again, my familial horizon was broadened.

It was held on the beach. Good thing it started raining only after the party.


The Family (minus the brother) with Spencer
(brother was somewhere else flirting)

( read the rest of the entry... )

I will post the rest of the pictures tomorrow.

The last three days were very fun. Today, I stay at home and get to rest. Manay Len and Kuya Al already flew back to Manila early this morning. Manay Cho and Spencer went to the city. Manoy JR is back at school. Tin-Tin is attending a barangay fiesta at a classmate's house. Mother is busy at the store. Back to a usual day. And I haven't taken a bath.

Whew.

My sister's engagement party is finally over.

We started at around 7PM, and ended at 10PM. It was a rather short party.

And there weren't too many people. The organizer actually did a very good job. I have to admit I didn't trust him. But I still believe that it was a little too much for this small town.

Family and friends were there to celebrate with my sister. It was a good night.

And I'm tired. I better sleep.

I will post pictures in a couple of days if not tomorrow.

Now, back to reality.

I have to go home to Bicol either tomorrow or two days from now for my sister's engagement party. I've been tasked to do the invitation and tent card design, and the sacred engagement movie. I've also been assigned as the official emcee of the said event. And I have to write a short speech for Mother as well.



Yeah, yeah, I know. I look very much unlike my sister. She's pretty and all that. I know that already so don't rub it. Haha. xD She's tan in that picture but believe me she naturally isn't. I don't know how many weeks she spent under the sun before that photo was taken but she's really pale as a high-quality white bond paper. Haha. No, she got my mom's skin - so being Chinese and all, she has this very fair and smooth skin.

Anyway, the guy's name is Spencer. I've only met him once. That was when he visited me in Texas during a Sunday, when I was quite busy at work. We talked for a few minutes before my pseudo-boss thought I wasn't doing my job and was flirting. O_O That was really creepy. Why the hell would I flirt with my sister's fiance?! Anyway, in fairness to my pseudo-boss, he was clueless about my relations with Spencer. He's a very nice guy, he left me a 60-dollar tip after he ordered just a glass of our famous Chocolate-Peanutbutter Shake. Haha. Yes, he is verrry nice. So, I say to my sister, marry this generous man! But he actually left me that much because he couldn't take me out to dinner due to my awful work schedule. He said I should take myself out to a nice restaurant.

The guy's academic background is impressive:

M.S. Degree, 2006, School of Earth and Space Exploration, Arizona State University
B.S. Degree, 2003, Geosciences, Weber State University (Summa Cum Laude)
A.S. Degree, 1998, Weber State University

(Yeah, I Googled that. LOL.)

Ask my sister a question about Physics and she'll slap you. Seriously. She was never good at school. She's the typical cheerleader. Maybe, I just really can't see their compatibility. But they're getting along well. I guess I'm just insensitive to it. (The guy is a Mormon. And you can't really call my sister a practicing Christian. And she likes to party - a lot. Every thing about the guy screams of 'cost-cutting' -- ignore the fact that he gave me 60 bucks. My sister's top hobby is shopping.)

But my sister is what every guy would look for. She's pretty. She can cook. She's a human vacuum cleaner. And she has an amazing sense of humor. She can make anybody laugh -- laugh like a hyena. So, I guess good looks plus sense of humor is the formula for a perfect girl.

Oh, my eldest sister needs me to proofread an article. That's what I should be doing right now.

Sisters are love.



P.S. Iris, a friend, already left for Singapore. Kudos to her! And lots of good luck! :D

I found a picture of her:



Haha! Patawarin mo ako, Baks. Di ko mapigilan ang sarili kong i-post 'to. Napakaganda at napakalandi mo kasi sa retratong eto! Bwahahaha! May nalalaman ka pang sparkle around your eyes.

Sana sumama na lang ako sa Singapore. Nababato na ako sa buhay ko. Haha. Nauubusan na ako ng patience. Umuwi ka agad, Baks! Walang-hiya ka talaga!!! Humanap ka na rin ng lalaki d'yan para naman may thrill ang buhay mo! Ihanap mo na rin ako kapag may oras ka! Haha!

I feel my ears stinging, Nickelback's Rockstar still ripping the insides of it. Last night, I fell asleep with earphones plugged in my ears, banging away with my rock songs collection. Oh, it feels rejuvenating but ears need rest

I have to get to work. After I submit all the needed requirements for my practicum application to Sir Guerrero, I have to go home to Bicol. My sister's engagement party is on the 24th, and she needs me a couple of days before the event. There are quite a few things that I've been assigned to do.

Yes, one of my sisters is getting married, and she's making a hell of a big deal out of this party! But I understand her anxiety. After all, she has no choice but to get married in another continent which is thousands of miles away from her family. So she's making a pseudo-wedding out of this engagement party. And when she does fly to the US, it'll pretty much be goodbye. Unless I find the luck to be able to permanently reside there as well. The idea doesn't appeal to me though. I hope Dearest Mother gets to fly all the way for the wedding. I'm going to miss my sister. Here is to hoping both of their visas get approval!~

Oh, I can just imagine the party. It'll be a big reunion for both sides of my family. But I smell deceit and aversion. The maternal side of my family has never really approved of my Dearest Mother's marriage to my Dead Father. But I'm sure everybody is well-bred enough not to bite off other guests' ears.

In other news, I got my PSP modified!~ Yay yo!~ I also bought a 4GB-Memory Stick Pro Duo. So I have all the good reasons not to be productive! Yay!~ I'm just going to pull an all-nighter if the worse comes to worst. Haha. I've been challenged to battle in the holy game of Tekken. Therefore, I must practice. The last time I played Tekken was 2 years ago on a Game Boy emulator on my PC. And the last time I really got in the game was on a classic PlayStation 1 and that was 12 years ago. I did plan to buy a bigger memory drive but I was thinking about revisiting the amazing world of practicality and prudence.

Since Helga Teh Mobile Phone died on me last month, I had only been using my mom's faulty Nokia-something . But yesterday Dearest Sister gave me a new phone, lo and behold! Helga II rises!



It's the Nokia 5310 XpressMusic phone. Audio is good, the music keys make it really convenient to control the media player. The design is very sleek but I just wish its onboard memory was larger. 30MB for a music phone? Though it's expandable up to 4GB. It's not a 3G and a WLAN phone but it's triband.

I didn't bother to get Helga I's LCD fixed since tweaking would increase the phone's probability of crashing down. Back to Helga II, I got this brand new but I didn't get the USB cable and charger. Long story why. Anyway, I'm planning to purchase online. It'll probably cost around Php500.00 or ~$10.00. It has a 2.0MP camera but there's something wrong, I'm not sure what, but I just feel like something is missing.

Anyway, Friday, two weeks ago, I bought a new pair of Nike. It looks pretty much like this, only better. xD They don't have the actual style on their website anymore. ~_~

And three days ago, my sister and I went to shop for a new backpack. I got this Shell Tan Prepschool Plaid Classic JanSport:



For about 3,600 (~$87.00). We bought it with SM gift certificates. We had plenty. Now, it's all gone. xD

And, yes! My J-1 Visa got approved! Now, I need to beg my professors to allow me to take early final exams. Else, I'll get an incomplete on all majors. Gawd, no. I'll be delayed for another semester!~ O_O

Oh. I got my hair fixed yesterday, too. And my eyebrows. My sister and I met at SM since I needed to get her signature on my travel arrangement and waiver. I told her I was going to get my eyebrows fixed-shaved because the pair is getting all bushy again. Then, she said, "why not try eyebrow threading!"

Feck.

To people who have very low tolerance for pain, never ever try getting your eyesbrows threaded. And I mean never. O_O I was close to bawling out the pain. It was very quick though. But those were the longest 2 minutes of my life. Two minutes of great agony.

I wasn't planning on getting my hair straightened but my sister said she wants me to look less troll-like. And my scalp is itching from all those chemicals. I'm not allowed to wash my hair yet. And three days of just hair conditioner. Oh, my.

I can't find my USB bluetooth dongle for my PC, so and I can't transfer the pictures. I really need to get a data transfer cable. T_T

I went to DFA this morning and almost got tricked by a fixer. Almost. Good thing my common sense was very handy and I managed to get away from that deceiving mister. Oh, yes, crucify those damn fixers. I can be gullible sometimes. T_T

Anyway, Ms. Caren gave me a courtesy lane pass this morning. So I don't need to line up outside the building tomorrow. I was so shocked the first time I saw the crowd. Any foreigner who would've seen it could've probably concluded then and there how deep and chaotic the country's economic situation had fallen. ~_~ The line was at least two blocks long. Oh, wait, there were two lines. It's just depressing. It's not really normal for a country to have its people run away and work somewhere else (thousands of miles away) just to feed themselves and their families.

It was so hot, and sweat gathered on their foreheads. They had the same brown envelope I was carrying, inside were their application forms; they fanned their necks with these thin pieces of recycled paper. They were there even before I greeted the early morning breeze but, most likely, I'll be able to apply earlier than them. And I can feel my conscience mocking me.

Now, to other matters...I've been trying to feel enthusiastic about the new year. Alas, alas, my mind is just too rattled to exert more effort and change that 'trying' to 'trying very hard.'

It's a new year but I wonder why I can't be less uninterested. Oh, I feel so apathetic. I'll trade my Php30,000 for a slice of happiness -- just kidding! xD Php30,000 is happiness per se, but when I think about my future, erm, valid expenses I wish history could repeat itself so I would be Php30,000 richer. Oh, the pride of earning for myself. But in a matter of days, I would have to bid goodbye to that happiness. And I'll probably start thinking of tutoring those ghastly looking kids again, gah, I imagine those pair of chinky eyes narrowing and narrowing.

While my family happily celebrated the holidays together...



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I've been asked twice this week to attend religious meetings. These invitations are getting frequent. I wonder why.

Oh, the person who recently invited me to attend this "reflect-on-the-Word" meeting knew that I didn't believe in her God, but she still had the courage to ask me to join them. I didn't know that she was aware of my disbelief so I just told her I couldn't because I was busy. She persuaded and I said I wasn't a Christian. She said it was okay and that maybe I could join them some other time. (See, I always avoid getting into the subject of my atheism because it would just provoke some not-so-nice emotions. Not on me but probably on the person I would be conversing with.) But I'm glad that she didn't start ill-treating me.

Last semester, a friend asked me and another classmate to help prepare for her mother's birthday. So we spent a night at their place. After the party, we were still all awake and the father was interviewing me about my family; it turned out the friend had already shared my life story to the him. Except for my atheism. Their family is all worship-y and stuff, but I've never really felt awkward around them because they're really nice people UNTIL that moment when the friend blurted out that I am a self-proclaimed atheist. I froze. Feck, her father played the role of the head pastor in their church - so imagine my shock when the friend announced, "Najo here is an atheist." I really couldn't believe my ears and it felt like she was betraying me. I'm not sure what happened but the father seemed to have ignored the declaration. ~_~

(After visiting the Diary of a Teenage Atheist, I started remembering these things.)

I used to have a gay classmate that was really fun and kind until he learned that I was an atheist. Well, he's still fun, the way how fun gay people are because of their gay-ness. But, now, whenever we see each other - wherever, in a cafeteria, in a library, in the streets, anywhere - he tells anyone he's with that I'm an atheist and he makes it sound like I'm doing something against the Philippine Constitution or something and that I should be put in jail. And I hate that.

I've been tracking down an organization called the UP Atheists' Circle. I found their Friendster community and Yahoo! Group. I've been wanting to join ever since first year; I'd really want to try but I'm not sure what's keeping me from emailing them and inquiring about their application process.

Anyway, enough with that. Today, I went to Divisoria to do an errand for Mother Dearest. I spent an hour trying to find a particular building where I was supposed to meet one of her textile people. But I managed. It was crazy as always. But before riding a jeepney back to LRT, I dropped by the 168 mall and bought these:

     

The Le Sportsac is, of course, fake. I bought it for Php50.00. The Voodoo chain is worth Php35.00.

Now to the acad stuff, the semester officially started last week and I've been marking more than too many deadlines on my Rainlender. My Tearoom duty will start on the 6th of next month but I still haven't talked to Mr. Guerrero regarding the University Hotel affiliation schedule.

Tomorrow night I'll be posing for my resume ID picture. Thursday afternoon, I'll be in a room in the ABS-CBN building for a screening. I decided to apply as a Customer Support Agent (a.k.a. Call Center Agent) this Christmas. If I get accepted, I'll be spending Christmas eve and Christmas and New Year evenings and the nights in between in a room with 99 other lonely people. Mother Dearest allowed me to work. But Eldest Sister pretty much condemned the idea. Anyway, it's not sure yet since they will only be hiring a hundred people and the applicants are probably twice in volume.

I will feel bad about skipping Christmas. I already am feeling bad about thinking of skipping Christmas. Hah, it's not what you're thinking - I'm an atheist, for chrissake. Christmas, like in almost every other family, is a tradition. Even if I don't celebrate it the way a believer does, I care about how important it is for the other members of my family. I know how a big deal having everyone home for Christmas is to them and I respect that. But just this time, I hope I'll be forgiven if ever I'll be absent.

Okay, so you're thinking, "there must be a reason why Najo is ditching Christmas for this job." You're right, I do have reasons. The first one is that the company will be paying Php30,000 and I'll only be working for three weeks. Imagine that. It'll take me more three months to get that amount if I'm going to depend on tutoring alone. And the other reason would be because I want to experience being away from my family during a time that I'd normally be home because of an important event. During lectures, we've been told repeatedly that entering the hospitality industry means giving up your holidays. And I want to try that. Crazy, yeah. I guess I'll be wasting a Christmas. But, oh, another reason, I really need that money, and I believe that is a reason strong enough. ~_~

I really hope that I get in. But if I don't, it's fine, I go home for Christmas then.

And this is the first Christmas after Papa's death, so I really can't blame Eldest Sister if she's hating me right now. Y_Y

I consider any alcohol drank to ease emotional pains for a few moments of someone's life to be an object of the great and infinite human stupidity. The pool where little devils like to take a dip.

It was during one of my aunt's birthday party when I thought I lost my mother. She was so drunk I actually thought I lost her to those little devils. She seemed possessed. Reckless. Abnormal.

My not-so-quiet, behaved mother morphed into this bum-like person, almost similar to those drunkards whose life revolved around threatening every person they see (including those whom they believe can be seen only by a hidden eye.)

She turned so red, she looked like a longganisa.

She screamed, cackled, kicked, dropped from a chair and peed with the bathroom door open. We were laughing the whole time, watching and listening while she made a fool of herself. I laughed so hard I thought I'd cry.

Truth is...I was so disappointed. I was so shocked I wanted to slap her back to her senses. I have never seen my mother get drunk before. Never. She made me remember how hard I quietly screamed when I used to smell my father's breath reek with brandy.

I went out to get some fresh air after she finally quieted. But I still couldn't forget how surprised I was.

That night, when I tried to sleep beside her, I couldn't. I began crying. So I stood up and slept at the other room.

The next morning, her usual innocent laugh started to sound tainted. Like it was eaten up by a virus or something. I couldn't stand it.

Sometimes, her laugh still rings like a polluted cackle inside my head.

I really want to grab that foul patch from my memories and dump it somewhere rotten, where it belongs.

The only time she finally became herself, to my senses, was when she said goodbye and kissed my forehead a few minutes before my bus left for Metro Manila.

I'm home. Yayness! Home + Intarwebz = <333!

Anyway, I'm having fun.

Don't know what else to say. I'm not really in the mood to document anything. Well, haven't been. I just want to take every thing easy. :)

I received a message from my eldest sister Manay Len-Len about an hour ago. Manay Cho is confined in a hospital in Bicol.

I couldn't even heave a single sigh when I read that first sentence, my eyes were wide and stricken. I can't lose anyone else in my family.

My siblings and I grew up being unable to relate our personal lives. We didn't have those so-called bonding moments. We were simply people living under a single roof and sharing the same lineage. I had a life outside, completely different from what I was living inside my family's boxed life setting. It wasn't until a couple of months in college when I realized I had other people to worry about aside from my friends and my mother.

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You know what's hard about pretending? There comes a point when you become really, really good at it and when you start wanting to stop, you can't.

June 28, one of my paternal uncles died of heart attack. Just 10 hours after his death, my father died of fatal arrhythmia.

There's a reason why I didn't cry when I received the news about his death but it confuses me. I was researching and chatting with a few friends when my eldest sister, Manay Len-Len, called. Her voice was hoarse. The only words I could make out were Papa and gone, the rest of her words drowned in sobs and short wails. I was cold, I didn't know how to react. My emotions were confusing, but I felt numb. Like my whole body was inside a large head wearing a poker face. I didn't tremble. There were no goosebumps. I didn't feel my heart pound stronger. All I felt was coldness.

The whole time, even when I reasoned to a professor that there was a death in my family, my numbness failed to go away. Even when my friends gave me those awkward looks, even during those dead air, the coldness in my body stayed. I had the life to laugh and joke. I had the courage to tell Manay Len-Len that I didn't want to miss a whole week of school. I had the strength to console Manay Cho when all she wanted to do was cry during the trip. I was me. I joked. I laughed. I didn't cry when everybody else was busy mourning over a loss.

We were in the bus on our way home, my sister's iPod's earphones were plugged in my ears blaring MYMP's True Colors, when I felt a sudden rush of emotions. I panicked, lost hold of my senses. I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't control it. Tears just started to flow out of my eyes. I did what I was best at, I did what everybody was lousy at, I hid. But I cried. I cried so hard my throat failed to make any noise. I cried. I just cried. I ordered to stop those tears from betraying me but they didn't listen. I slapped my chest several times, she had no right to get heavy when I didn't want her to. Nobody saw me. Nobody saw me break. Nobody saw me cry for someone who I had learned to hate my whole life. But I didn't cry because I lost what everybody else probably lost, I cried because I realized I lost my father, that the man who left me when I was little finally left me for good, that I'd never find the chance to get him back. I cried because I lost Papa.

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Why should I go home?

He's not dead yet. Someone already donated blood last night.

I just can't believe my mom's still the one so burdened with all these things. She shouldn't be. It's unfair.

If I go home, it would only be for one reason and that's being there for my mother. And not for anybody else.

I don't give a damn about him anymore.

I don't care.

Why should I go home?

I see no other reason. Except maybe for his funeral.

EDIT:

He's dead.

My sister called.

He's dead.

My father is.

Great. I have to be absent from school for more than a week.

Great.

Okay, no more insect in my ear. Finally settled at the dorm. Got accepted in a PI class two days ago. Will finish enrolling tomorrow. Really. The week had been incredibly exhausting. Seriously. Well, what did I expect from a UP enrollment? And from a UP dormitory?

I posted a question on the dorm's bulletin board for the IT committee regarding the Internet two days ago. A reply said that we're, in fact, going to have a connection. But there won't be until the IT people settle some enrollment and dorm issues. They want the dormers to wait until they figure out what they want to do with their lives.

Anyway, acads stuff. I'm required to submit an essay about my most unforgettable experience with alcoholic beverages. HRIM 115 is Beverage Management class and my Professor, Prof. Liza Guggenheim, is Teh Bomb, platonically. I just think she's going to be a fun teacher. Hope it's not too early to say anything. And I think I'm going to have a lot of fun tasting all those fluids that aren't water. xD

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P.S.

I'm watching Grey's Anatomy Season 2. And it's addicting. I need to get a hold of the next seasons. Need Desperate Housewives' Season 4 as well. I'm taking a break from anime and manga. Had too much of Prince of Tennis, I guess. ~_~

I am so in love with them:

This year's vacation was actually my first real vacation in almost four years. Before I shifted to HRIM, my supposedly free time were always eaten up by the summer classes then removal exams. So I never really had the chance to enjoy a break. You see, I wasn't a very good student. While my high school classmates were enjoying, while the beach's summer breeze touch their faces, I was sweating from the sun's scorching heat or running up the Math Building. I was left at school even when it's actually that time of the year to play at parks. Because I was a delinquent and seemed to have the need to fail every last bit of my total class units. I didn't have the verve to go home after a month of being a failure. I felt I didn't deserve a real vacation even if I knew I needed one so badly.

But, as they say, the past is past. I am now a Hotel, Restaurant and Institution Management student. I was wanting my life to be better when I finally decided to shift to the course, but I never thought it would be this better. It's not the best yet, that I wouldn't deny. But better is always, well, better.

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This is going to be another Life post, though, this time, I won't be ranting.

Some of you probably know the not-so-good relationship I have with my father. I had posted a lot of entries about him in my two previous online journals. It's not a secret that my family is dysfunctional.

I already mentioned in a previous post that he's not well. His health is deteriorating because of a disease called liver cirrhosis. In fact, late October last year, the doctor told us that he won't live any longer than a month. When I heard those words, I have to admit I was pretty ecstatic and didn't even feel the slightest guilt. At last. He was going to die. My mother, my siblings and myself, we're finally going to be able to enjoy life. Before you start accusing me of being the most evil daughter in existence, understand first that you don't really know me. You have not the slightest idea of what I've been through in my life, you probably don't even know me personally. Anyway, there, I submitted to an obligation of looking after him for almost three weeks in the hospital. I didn't protest, I didn't demand anything in return. I tried to imagine myself as some daughter who had and appreciated a benevolent father very much just so I won't be awakened by the smell of antiseptic everday with an emo face. It was hard for me to nurse someone who had ruined my life. Who, in his right mind, would even hug an angry grizzly bear? But I didn't have a choice.

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I just realized I haven't made an entry about half of what actually happened with my life during the hiatus. ^^;

1. I celebrated my 19th birthday 15 days ago:



I don't usually ce-le-brate. In fact, I only remember blowing a birthday candle once, I think I was in grade school at that time. A birthday candle stuck on top of a chiffon cake. xD My family never had the habit of putting up parties. It's rare to see my mom prepare a pan full of spaghetti sauce. Most of the time, it's just noodles and a cheap cake.

My 18th birthday was the worst so far. I was sweating like a dog on crack, my arms and feet were black from dust, and tears were trickling down my cheeks. We were moving out and I, alone, was practically packing the whole apartment. Forget about it being my worst birthday, it was the worst day of my life.

Anyway, May 1st this year, we ate at Chili's, located in Quezon Ave., I think - not sure. A few minutes after the waitress served our orders, I heard a tambourine, and I knew exactly what it was for. This is me, not surprised but embarrassed:

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