Just so you know, I'm still alive.

I'm a college student again. Almost too busy to take care of my journal. But I'm not.
Well, the initial reason why I couldn't update was the negative mental state that almost needed clinical intervention. If you've read the previous posts, you'll realize that I've gone through another depression. That's almost over. I am now trying to crawl my way from denial to acceptance. So far so good. I'm away, so I can be free to become apathetic if I want to. Thing is the issue won't leave me alone. So I'm trying to be as busy as I can.

I moved into a boarding house, which is way closer to the campus than the Mandaluyong apartment. My new area is technically still part of UP. The college building is just a jeepney ride away, so what could be more convenient? I lived here a couple of semesters ago and didn't really think that I would come back. I'm not a fan of the environment. But I don't really have a choice.

After I left the Super Teacher job, I immediately applied for another one. The new job is better. Schedule is good, doesn't conflict with school, and I have almost full control of it. Yeah, it's another teaching job but it's not driving me insane, it's online and home-based. Though, right now, I have no Intarnutz. No intarnutz means no job. No job means money shortage. Money shortage means pan de sal (salt bread) for dinner. Haha. xD

I get to work on the legendary thesis this semester. I'm uber excited. Seriously. I have another major subject, which I should've taken semesters ago but I didn't. So I suffer. My classmates are loud and young. They look fun. But I feel alone and old. I'm having a hard time making friends because I'm at least two years older than them and they know each other. And I'm ooold! And I'm ooold! And I'm ooold! T_T

Now, I go back to the room that I rent for ~US$45.00/month. I apologize for being unable to read your entries. I hope I'm still on your list. I will try to catch up once I get my own Internet connection. :)

Last week, while on my quest to find Sir G, I encountered a board covered with sheets of dilapidated Manila paper. A bulletin board. Two seemingly official papers were pinned on the upper-left of it. While the opposite space was taken up by torn pages from the Philippine Collegian (the University's official school paper). Opinions by various students were scribbled on the lower half. And I was put on halt when I read the words fastfood chains. I saw HRIM {Hotel, Restaurant and Institution Management} as I skimmed through it. And I just had to read the whole article.

It was about the HRIM Department's new affiliation program. And, oh, I have to give it to the writer. She was brilliant. She authored an article bloated with lopsidedness. But I will get to the issue of irresponsible journalism in a few paragraphs.

Two semesters ago, I had to undergo a 30-hour training in a UFS {University Foodservice}. It was a course requirement. And I had to juggle that with a couple of major units that also required me to ignore my body's need for rest. We were conducting functions every month. We were required to do written and oral reports every other day. We had quizzes everyday. School was practically killing us but we got through it. Then, the semester after, we needed to work 60 hours in the UFS. Plus, the usual drill: quizess and reports. And Catering that almost robbed me of my sanity. I was always so tired but I loved what I was doing. All the work got me really fired up subconsciously. I was being taught how to become confident, and how to use that esteem to recognize my own potentials.

While, I was away, the department implemented a new program that not only requires the students to work for the UFS but also for three outside foodservices. Namely, Jollibee, Shakey's and Figaro. The set-up: each student will work 80 hours for each establishment. If I understood it correctly, this would happen on the four final semesters, a different establishment every semester. And during their senior year, the students would be given a chance to hold managerial positions, where the company would also provide a stipend. Sounds good, right?

Yes, in fact, it very much does. Heck, I would even work for free. But I would have to think about neglecting my other academic responsibilities. The activity is very sadistic and I am not exaggerating. Even only a required 60-hour training alongside my major subjects was toxic enough and, now, 80 hours? Plus, these establishments are not located inside the University. My monetary needs would increase for I would have to make additional commutation.

It was a mistake when the faculty did not ask for the students' opinion on this project. Where did democracy go? I read that an orientation was conducted but what happened to the consultation part?

There was this one thought written on the freedom board that talked about the training not being appropriate for HRIM students. Since tasks such as washing the dishes and mopping the floor would be assigned. And, obviously, whoever wrote it had no idea what he/she was talking about. She argued that HRIM is a management course, sure, that's what the M stands for after all. But everybody knows how essential the knowledge of a manager is in leading an establishment. Every good leader should know the basic operations of what he/she has been assigned to lead. And that's why we're being taught the basics in the industry. Oh, cleaning tables and waiting on others don't look spiffy and fun at all, but a good career must be built on a strong, detailed foundation. You can't just get hired as an executive without knowing the basics. And even if you do, you'll have to go through one hell of a learning process to become good in your field. We all have to start from the bottom.

In the hospitality industry, you don't just deal with food and travel. You don't just dress up and play Ms. Pretty Face, you work with people. People to lead and people to please. You can't pretend to be the boss, you have to be the boss. You should know everything there is to know. Leaders are supposed to be the experts in their fields. Competence comes with experience

It has also been argued that Jollibee, Shakey's and Figaro are taking advantage of the students. Utilizing them as cheap labor. And, well, I admit that also crossed my mind. In the article, an activist pointed out that UP students are given the education they've been privileged to receive because they are suppose to use it to serve the people and not the magnates. But hey, look, if we're just going to limit our learning inside the university, if we are just going to train in the UFS, how do you suppose we enrich our knowledge? Let me see, outdated equipment and facilities, and the inadequate market? It's not a rich school. A laboratory without even a decent oven? Decades old equipment. The students need to get out there and learn. You can't just depend on theories and just imagine the real world. That's not fun. xP It's better to be out there. It's better and will be easier to serve the people if we are equipped with the right tools.

The training should also become very handy after graduation. It will be easier to get hired if your curriculum vitae brags of several working experiences. It's mostly about competition and we should be able to compete.

This was made a controversy because an HRIM student complained to the Philippine Collegian. I understand her concern. But if I were in her position, I would grab the opportunity. No other school gives this much to their students. They should consider themselves lucky. You'll get through it. It's school, we all get through it if we try. And it's Jollibee! The biggest and most competitive QSR chain in the country. It's Figaro, the biggest Filipino-owned coffee company. Shakey's? I don't know much about it. It's pizza! Haha. xD

To hell with being taken advantage of. I trust our faculty. They have nothing in mind other than giving their students the best education they can give. Seriously, this is for your own good. I'm pretty sure you'll thank them one day. Theories are good, but theories supported by extensive experience? Much, much better.

Okay, now, irresponsible journalism. The HRIM representative was interviewed regarding the issue. To sum up his statement: the new program is actually a very good idea if we set aside the fact that the students would have a hard time managing their already damned schedule. And the author failed to include his views. The article made it sound like the whole student body is rallying against the department, which is very untrue because there is also a group which approves of the implementation. The department is not completely wrong.

So, I say, recess the program. Conduct a better study to improve it. And involve the students.

Now, back to my practicum case analyses. Ta-ta

My whole body is aching. I slept very late. 4AM. Practically, the first time in 7 months. I've been trying to review for the 111 exam. And I wasn't very successful. Darn. I have a very positive feeling of failing - irony is love.

And it's also the first time in 7 months that I've read anything related to Restaurant Management. So tell me I'm doomed. All these French terms are making me woozy.

I haven't received a confirmation from Ma'am Tumanan. I sent her an SMS this morning, asking if I could join her class for tomorrow's test. I can't go to UP today, it'll take up 50% of my time and 75% of my precious energy to commute. C'mon, I live like 10 gazillion miles away from that school. Sigh, I miss the smell of dormitory walls, even the moss-covered shower cubicle tiles. I wish I live in an admin-neglected dorm right now.

Let the 3AM camhoorage do the talking.


Busy staring at nothingness


Wide awake


In need of a nap

I look kind of cross-eyed. xD

Why does UP have to be so hard? Why do UP professors throw us readings and papers of academic agony? Do they get some type of self-fulfillment out of it? But I love the education. I just wish I could be less lethargic. Indolence is eating up my system. After two months of doing almost nothing. Because emptiness is, most definitely, not love.

And look what I woke up to this morning:


Headset, mouse, earphones, data cables,
3 chargers and frustrations

P.S. Update on manwhores. Received a Friendster smile from a 38-year old man. He's married. And he's asking for my number. Tried to convince me we had common friends. And he's bald. O_O

And here, to give you a very vivid example of how pervertedly consumed (by morons) most of the web is:

subject: hey you look very sexy...do you speak english?

If you bothered to read my profile, you would have known the answer.

subject: oh sorry lol....so do you live in the states?

You're okay. But again, my profile would say where I live. And that would be 'Philippines.'

subject: sorry lol i didnt read everything...have you ever been with an american guy before?

It should also say in my profile that I've never had my first date.

subject: is there anything your profile doesnt say?....have you done anythuing with guys beofre?

It ends right there.

That's not even close to the worst MySpace private messages I've received.

Exchange of messages to the subject above where conducted in order to show you how some people can't get a real life.

That was Saturday when my high school friends and I planned to go to another friend's house to join her "I passed the Nursing Board Exam!" celebration.

There were a bunch of guests that we really didn't know back then since the celebrant was from another batch section. But it was good to see familiar faces.



Then, a few hours after:



So I have relocated. After a month in Bicol, I came back to Manila. I moved into an apartment with two of my high school friends. Right now, we're fine except that one of our mothers -not mine- is here. So we can't really be ourselves.

Last night, we were looking at high school pictures again. It made me feel old and tired. I wonder how easy life could be right now if we are who we were in those high school pictures. It has been almost 5 years since we graduated and I still can't forget how incredibly fun it was to be a 16-year old. Now, we talk about graduation and jobs and responsibilities. When before we only worried about the next Physics quiz and school election.

And you know what's funny? How different we looked in those pictures after a couple of months in college. And after a couple of years in college, here we are. Changed. Anxious. Depressed. And whether we admit it or not, we each have our own lives now. Not anymore about the fun and games we used to share.

I think the feeling of indifference is coming back to the life I have right now. But I have no choice but to make it better. I feel alone and alienated. Because I'm too detached. I wish I could replicate the connection I have with my high school friends to the new people around me. But it's too hard. I'm too introverted to do that.

In other news, I visited UP last week. I talked to some of my professors. But it hurts me to realize that some of them just fail at showing enough concern. I think I have the right to demand attention because if I don't I'll be damned to forever be stuck in my unfinished third year in this course. I am trying to be a good student this time, being concerned about my future, that's why I'm communicating with you even if I'm so bad at it. So pleasepleaseplease show some compassion Okay, that's the pissed off me talking. Sometimes, this student independence and this teacher apathy they're trying to shove down our throats irritate me.

Tomorrow, I'll submit a copy of my resume to Sir G. Change of plans. Instead of working full-time in a hotel, I'll apply for practicum. I definitely won't receive any monetary compensation, but at least the experience will be useful and will have place in my curriculum vitae. Because if I work full-time for only 2 months, the establishment will not honor my affiliation. And because it should be a minimum of 6 months of full-time work.



Later, one of my housemates and I are going to Gateway to get his VAIO gmask-ed. I need another pair of jeans. One of the two pairs I bought doesn't fit very well. ~_~ And we also need a new wirless router. Yes, I need monies. Find me a job?

I should take out the curriculum checklist. I should. I really should.

I've been trying to convince myself to do that for a month now. Yes. But I'm so fcuking scared that I get this mental picture of slashing my wrist once I finish assessing what needs assessment of my academic life.

You know what this thing is called? Something even worse than paranoia. Something more scary. Something that breaks a person's spirit. Insecurity.

Everybody is getting on with their lives. And I'm here. Stuck. Rotting. Everybody has decided or is starting to decide that they fix what needs proper attention.

But, anyway, this shouldn't be a big deal. People are dying of hunger in Ethiopia and I'm complaining about this? What the fcuk is wrong with me?

In other news, I bought two pairs of jeans today. (And I also just commented about Sub-Saharan African poverty. I could've fed a batch of malnourished African children. I'm so fcuking insensitive.)

Yes, I'm just kind of pissed off. Even if I don't look like it. This black mist has been brooding over me all day long. I've been trying with all my heart to ignore it. And just when I thought it was okay to let my guard down. I never learn, do I?

I have a lot to do. So when I wake up tomorrow, right after I eat breakfast, I will be focusing on this little epic narrative called Fixing My Life. But you know what? Nothing really needs fixing. Nothing is broken. I'm fine the way everything is or was a couple of months ago.

I think I'm just forcing myself to be insecure. Maybe I really am not. Just so I can have a reason to whine. Because I'm so short on being the emo that I was once before. Haha. This is all nonsense. But why the fcuk am I doing this to myself? Am I trying to be funny? Fcuk this. Fcuk everything.

I'm just tired. Tired and scared.

Please tell me I'm being stupid. Really. Please.

During my first semester as a BS HRIM student, I was infected with a virus called varicella zoster. Spots appeared all over my body, then became pockmarks, itching, looking like blisters: raw and filled. It turned out to be a highly contagious illness which is widely known as chicken pox. I was advised to stay at home so as not to infect other people. I was absent from school for almost a month. And I was worried; I was trying to start anew but Life was trying to be funny, and decided to pull a joke on me. Chem 16 took up 3 of my total units that semester and everybody knows you can't be too careful with it; well, at least, everybody who's not very good at utilizing the left side of their brain.

The next semester, I was finally getting the hang of being part of the college. I was making friends and excitement as an HRIM student was just starting to dawn. Then, my father died. I refused to go home and leave school but everybody was insisting that I give up trying to be the apathetic daughter that I was. So I left; I left for two weeks to mourn and bury my father's body. I missed the class' barhopping. And I'm nowhere to be found in the Beverage Management - Lab class picture.

Around five months ago, I was a few weeks away from completing my third semester. But I never got to finishing it. Because I decided to risk; I decided to participate in a Work & Travel Program in the United States. And I'm back. Uncertain. Undecided. Rattled.

Since I shifted to HRIM, I haven't gone through a semester without an interruption. A sickness, a dead father, and now some US government program. Are these ways of telling me that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing? That I'm not right for what I'm finally happy at? Nah.

I went through the first two semesters undaunted. This last one is just another honest event. No conspiracies whatsoever.

Is that right?

I guess I'm too exhausted to even cry.

Googling can be a very profound activity.

I typed in a few names earlier, checked the results and bam! were they overwhelming. Results like those make me want to cower and sulk and bite my nails. I guess this is what you call 'eating my own words.'

This is the first time, since I made the decision to take the other path, that I thought about it this deeply.

I've always wanted to be like them. I've always wanted to be them. Now, I'm too far away to ever peg with them. I wish I had the courage to pursue what I really wanted. But you know what? Here's one consoling thought: I'm also given the chance to be someone here, I can always strive to be the better in this lea.

Tonight, I need to update my Final Function Report. Make designs and do Marketing homework.
Tomorrow, we have an orientation for the practicum. From 8AM to 3PM.

And on Monday, I have two long exams. So I need to study tonight and tomorrow for that.

But guess what? I have a cold. I'm coughing like someone with tuberculosis. [Don't worry, I don't have TB. I have an apicolordotic x-ray result to prove that.] And I have a fever!

The whole of next week I have to work on the school department's website and prepare for my US embassy interview on Thursday, 21st.

And I'm getting paranoid. WHAT IF I DON'T GET BETTER BEFORE THE INTERVIEW?!

I wanna cry. I'm sick. And I feel awful.

Last semester, I was only able to finish 2 books because I was too busy: The Five People You Meet in Heaven (Mitch Albom) and Eleven Minutes (Paulo Coelho). All I can say is...these books are overrated. I guess, Mr. Albom and Mr. Coelho can't please everybody.

Around November of last year, I bought five second-hand books from a thrift shop in Cubao:

1. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
2. A Thousand Acres (Jane Smiley)
3. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
4. Killer Smile (Lisa Scottoline)
5. Charlotte Bronte (Jane Eyre)

And one from a bookstore in Isetann, Recto: The Inheritance of Loss (Kiran Desai).

Unfortunately, three pages of The Inheritance of Loss were enough to convince me that it won't even attempt to keep a hold of my interest. Ms. Alcott almost made me finish her work but I'm not really sure what happened, it became draggy and the voices of the March sisters started whispering nonsense in my head. I convinced myself that the story of A Thousand Acres would eventually get better, that it would surprise me with a great twist, alas, alas, it was just another book, no impact, nothing. The rest I haven't made an attempt to read.

After a few weeks in my previous part-time job, I impulsively purchased The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins) from Powerbooks in TriNoma. A month later, I'm still reading it.

Eight days ago, I was on my way back to the dorm from Katipunan when I saw a book sale sign. I went home with About Schmidt (Louis Begley) and A Case of Curiosities (Allen Kurzweil). I haven't started on them, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they won't be as bad.

I spent only around Php300.00(~$7.00) for the first six books, their prices ranged from Php20.00 (50 cents) to Php99.00(~$2.50). The last two I bought for Php75.00(~$2.00) each. I bought The God Delusion while my mind was in a whirlpool tub, I didn't know what I was doing, it cost me almost Php500.00(~$12.00).

Where have all the good books gone? I'm not sure what's wrong. Or am I just too busy and too tired to appreciate? Why the heck can't I find a decent book? Something like Cold Sassy Tree (Olive Ann Burns) and Angela's Ashes (Frank McCourt), or The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) and To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee).

I have five unread books, three unfinished. And I'm planning to buy more.

P.S. To those who haven't returned some of my other books, I miss my books.

1. To Kill a Mockingbird
2. The Little Prince
3. Memoirs of a Geisha
4. Secret Garden
5. Angela's Ashes
6. Like Water for Chocolate
7. Jonathan Livingston Seagull
8. Nice
9. Chicken Soup for the College Soul
10. Hugot Sa Sinapupunan

Shit...I can't remember what else are missing...

--

I'm tired and I want to sleep, but I still have a report to finish. Tomorrow, we have another meeting with Chef Annali for the catering event which will already be on Friday. Oh, yeah, we found a client. :)

I am making a poster design for a friend's org:



No stealing. :[

I am bound to make their tarpaulin design as well.

And all I get is a can of Pik-Nik.

Then, I have to try designing the dorm's publicity materials for the Formal Dinner.

And I'm not even going to attend the event.

Haha.

Life is so ironic.

Then, Miss is talking about updating the school department's website.

And I thought having no academic organization will make my life easier.

Wrong.

I am tired.



Dead tired.

I'm getting tired of receiving junk foods as service charge. Haha. I think I'll change it to cash after these projects.

Helga is not feeling very well. I tried to get her fixed a few days ago, but the mister said he can't tell whether the problem is with the LCD or with something else. And it costs around Php 2,500 to get a new Nokia LCD. Might as well buy a new mobile phone. ~_~

I have no moolahs. Mother has been very redundant about the money I earned from my previous part-time job, "thou shall not spend." Since the money has been pre-destined to be spent for my practicum. Dearest Mother already paid most of the fees. And Dearest Eldest Sister also gave her share last night.

Maybe time has been playing mind tricks on me. I'm not sure how I've managed to keep up with everything and everyone, I don't even know what I'm doing to keep my sanity. I am warped.

Two days ago, I finally signed. I'm looking at the job agreement right now. The description says: Cashier/Line Attendant/Utility. With Katy Mills in Katy, Texas. I'll probably have my first mock interview with FPI in a matter of days. And I'm not really certain whether I'm excited or scared. Anxious, maybe that's the right word. We leave on the 10th of March, I'm still trying to plan on what to do with my current subjects, maybe take early final exams and present early reports; I might get an incomplete on a few subjects. We come back mid-June, so there's a great possibility that I won't be able to enrol next semester; I'll just try to get employed in a hotel and get that credited for my second practicum. Mrs. Dapul (FPI head-woman) said she can endorse us (Iris and moi) to Hyatt and there's a good chance we'll get accepted.

I don't feel like saying "America/Texas, here I come!" ~_~ This is cultural exchange blues.

And I'm nervous about the visa. What if I get denied?! O_O Gawd.

On Friday, we will be presenting our theme function/exhibit, everyone's invited.

I feel mediocre. And drained. Shit. This isn't really good. I want to do a headstand, stop me.

Full Metal Panic! is my only current consolation. :(

P.S. Made a logo for the catering group:



Uh. I borrowed the martini glass silhouette from somewhere. xD

I've been asked twice this week to attend religious meetings. These invitations are getting frequent. I wonder why.

Oh, the person who recently invited me to attend this "reflect-on-the-Word" meeting knew that I didn't believe in her God, but she still had the courage to ask me to join them. I didn't know that she was aware of my disbelief so I just told her I couldn't because I was busy. She persuaded and I said I wasn't a Christian. She said it was okay and that maybe I could join them some other time. (See, I always avoid getting into the subject of my atheism because it would just provoke some not-so-nice emotions. Not on me but probably on the person I would be conversing with.) But I'm glad that she didn't start ill-treating me.

Last semester, a friend asked me and another classmate to help prepare for her mother's birthday. So we spent a night at their place. After the party, we were still all awake and the father was interviewing me about my family; it turned out the friend had already shared my life story to the him. Except for my atheism. Their family is all worship-y and stuff, but I've never really felt awkward around them because they're really nice people UNTIL that moment when the friend blurted out that I am a self-proclaimed atheist. I froze. Feck, her father played the role of the head pastor in their church - so imagine my shock when the friend announced, "Najo here is an atheist." I really couldn't believe my ears and it felt like she was betraying me. I'm not sure what happened but the father seemed to have ignored the declaration. ~_~

(After visiting the Diary of a Teenage Atheist, I started remembering these things.)

I used to have a gay classmate that was really fun and kind until he learned that I was an atheist. Well, he's still fun, the way how fun gay people are because of their gay-ness. But, now, whenever we see each other - wherever, in a cafeteria, in a library, in the streets, anywhere - he tells anyone he's with that I'm an atheist and he makes it sound like I'm doing something against the Philippine Constitution or something and that I should be put in jail. And I hate that.

I've been tracking down an organization called the UP Atheists' Circle. I found their Friendster community and Yahoo! Group. I've been wanting to join ever since first year; I'd really want to try but I'm not sure what's keeping me from emailing them and inquiring about their application process.

Anyway, enough with that. Today, I went to Divisoria to do an errand for Mother Dearest. I spent an hour trying to find a particular building where I was supposed to meet one of her textile people. But I managed. It was crazy as always. But before riding a jeepney back to LRT, I dropped by the 168 mall and bought these:

     

The Le Sportsac is, of course, fake. I bought it for Php50.00. The Voodoo chain is worth Php35.00.

Now to the acad stuff, the semester officially started last week and I've been marking more than too many deadlines on my Rainlender. My Tearoom duty will start on the 6th of next month but I still haven't talked to Mr. Guerrero regarding the University Hotel affiliation schedule.

Tomorrow night I'll be posing for my resume ID picture. Thursday afternoon, I'll be in a room in the ABS-CBN building for a screening. I decided to apply as a Customer Support Agent (a.k.a. Call Center Agent) this Christmas. If I get accepted, I'll be spending Christmas eve and Christmas and New Year evenings and the nights in between in a room with 99 other lonely people. Mother Dearest allowed me to work. But Eldest Sister pretty much condemned the idea. Anyway, it's not sure yet since they will only be hiring a hundred people and the applicants are probably twice in volume.

I will feel bad about skipping Christmas. I already am feeling bad about thinking of skipping Christmas. Hah, it's not what you're thinking - I'm an atheist, for chrissake. Christmas, like in almost every other family, is a tradition. Even if I don't celebrate it the way a believer does, I care about how important it is for the other members of my family. I know how a big deal having everyone home for Christmas is to them and I respect that. But just this time, I hope I'll be forgiven if ever I'll be absent.

Okay, so you're thinking, "there must be a reason why Najo is ditching Christmas for this job." You're right, I do have reasons. The first one is that the company will be paying Php30,000 and I'll only be working for three weeks. Imagine that. It'll take me more three months to get that amount if I'm going to depend on tutoring alone. And the other reason would be because I want to experience being away from my family during a time that I'd normally be home because of an important event. During lectures, we've been told repeatedly that entering the hospitality industry means giving up your holidays. And I want to try that. Crazy, yeah. I guess I'll be wasting a Christmas. But, oh, another reason, I really need that money, and I believe that is a reason strong enough. ~_~

I really hope that I get in. But if I don't, it's fine, I go home for Christmas then.

And this is the first Christmas after Papa's death, so I really can't blame Eldest Sister if she's hating me right now. Y_Y

For some very unwise decisions in the past, I'm going to graduate later than ever.

I'm trying to choose between two roads right now. Do you know that feeling when you already want an option but can't choose it because you know you'll benefit more from the other? Well -- that's not what I'm feeling. Hah. And that's even worse. I really have no idea where to go. I don't have the slightest bias of choosing one over the other. I'm cut in between. And I feel like my eyes are going to bulge out any second from this great tension. No, no, I'm not thinking of shifting courses again. Are you out of your mind? This is a different matter. I'll tell once I get the courage to write about it. Right now, I feel useless and stupid.

And I feel guilty. It's eating me up again.

When did this start, anyway? I woke up this morning and realized I forgot to attend a major subject yesterday morning. I mean, whatthefeck happened? O_O For a very stupid reason I failed to go to class. I FORGOT. I wrote my schedule two nights before but I STILL FORGOT. I fcuking forgot. How dumber can I be? So, you ask, how does this connect to the dilemma mentioned earlier? I am an extremely irresponsible person. And I hate myself for that. I've been hating myself for quite some time now. But I failed to change. I've been trying to give more care to the world but, hah, here I am...careless than ever. I-don't-give-a-damn defines me very well.

I really want to be that person who thinks about her future. But I'm so careless. I've been choosing to be unaware of everything. And that just sucks, huh?

I'm contented. Right now, I am. Really. I don't need my mother to assess that. But happy? Definitely, not. But it's better to be not happy but contented; it's better to have one of those two adjectives than none at all.

And I feel really bad every time I try to play safe. But I don't want to try so hard either. Mediocrity is sadness.

I'm scared. I feel like I'm going to let a great chance pass me by. And all I'm going to do is glance and turn back.

I thought I might be able to take my first practicum, HRIM 174, during the next summer break but my schedule got messed up this afternoon, I had to change sections and add a class -- made me realize some things and I decided to finish my non-majors first. So I will be enrolling for two electives and a CWTS instead of finally being able to taste the 'world out there.'

I did attend the first pre-practicum session wearing the coat and skirt I bought the night before. And I was in stockings. Believe it or not. So, anyway, I was there. The teachers were Mr. Guerrero, a member of the HRIM faculty, and a Mrs. Pacheco, who introduced herself as a former faculty-member-whose-reason-for-quitting-was-the-awful-traffic-in-Katipunan. Generally, I liked it.

The first speaker was Mr. Guerrero, the table was given to Mrs. Pacheco about two hours after. She talked about confidence. We were told how to dress up not just for the companies but also for ourselves. Anyway, towards the end of the discussion, a question was raised and she answered with fervor that the females must wear jewelries. EARRINGS. And she made it sound like earrings were a requirement to make an impression.

So there was poor me. Stricken with terror.
Her words rang like the horrid high-pitched squeaks of a colony of bats.

No, I don't wear earrings. I don't have piercings. And I refuse to have my skin be pierced. I do not need extra holes in my skin.

Why? Because it terrifies me. Even just the thought of it makes my knees weak and my earlobes tingle with fear.

( read the rest of the entry... )

For a new business attire. A pre-practicum requirement.
For my board and lodging fees.
For enrolment.

Help. T___T

I. Am. Very. Broke.

--

I'd be more than willing to quit. But it's like a happy pill. Five years of Adobe Photoshop addiction. Version 7.0 loyalist. But I'm thinking of using a CS version for good.

Vectors are love. That post-it note is a vector. I was searching for an online tutorial but the the ones I found all used the Layer Warp tool, a function that can't be found in v7.0. Either there's no Layer Warp tool in v7.0 or I just couldn't find it. Anyway, you can warp texts but not normal layers. (If you rasterize a text layer, warping is disabled.) So I just made a vector. Though the shadow is a bit weird, I'll work on it.

And I want to try line art.

Yay!
I'm finally getting a break!
The semester is officially over and I'm almost free. I just need to complete my Tearoom affiliation tomorrow, settle HK stuff with Kuya Jess and fetch the moolahs from Bounty Fresh. Then, I'm off to Bicol on Friday. Yay, me! Home!

Yeah, I know. I sound uber excited. Who wouldn't be after those 5 months in hell? Those were the longest 5 months of my life -- almost felt like I was being punished. Hah.

Anyway, Gale, a function groupmate, and I went to SM North EDSA at around five this afternoon. I wanted to purchase the glasses that were broken during our function. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the measurements that Kuya Jess gave me for the necessary kinds. But I went anyway. I wanted to. And that was my first non-function related trip to the mall in months.

The function messed up my life. It's sad that it didn't turn out so well. When before I couldn't even leave my room without making sure my bed is made up, now, I rush to the college leaving my wet bath towel on the bed.

I became broke. The function made it impossible for me to get a job. I had to beg my mother for money. I was spending left and right. And it's really disappointing that I'm not going to get what I was expecting to earn from that function.

I want to convince myself that I am not having any thoughts of regret.

Haaay...here is my FFR reaction paper. Well, I shortened it a little, omitted some lines, but it'll give you an idea.

( I'm really getting tired of this. Read the rest of the entry... )

I really need the break. I have catering next semester and 60 hours of Tearoom affiliation. Plus, god-knows-how-many hours of University Hotel affiliation. Shit. So, yes, this 2-week vacation is going to be like that final meal of a criminal on death row.

Damn.

I wanna die.

This is really stupid.

I'm not making sense.

Okay.

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

I believe I'm going to fail this exam. So I'm going to allow myself to become stupid enough to not review so hard.

There.

I am stupid.

I'd rather fail because I didn't review. Reviewing so much then failing = depression.

I think I'm going to fail something today. Cocktail mixing. I haven't reviewed a single recipe. And I'm almost positive I'm going to break the glass that I'm going to use to flair with a Gin and Tonic.

I still feel like I've been running for miles. I've been palpitating since last night. But I didn't drink coffee. T___T I hate being sick.